I'm not doing all that well right now. I feel useless and lack energy most days even though I'm eating well and exercising. I'm managing to hang on and not cry too often. It's been a day or two. And see below for the irritability that I've been dealing with.
Hubby, on the other hand, is a huge mess. In almost 8 years I've never seen him this bad. He's changing meds and is trying to make an appointment with a talk therapist. In the meantime, he is having a terrible time. He can barely function and he's miserable because he hates being this way. He's having panic attacks and is crying. I feel completely helpless. It sucks.
We have been talking a lot lately. Constantly. That's probably the best thing in all of this.
We're thinking that (if it doesn't happen this month) we'll put off trying to get pregnant, at least until this summer. We need some time to be mentally stable again. And we want to try to save some more money. I know that you can never have enough, be "ready" enough, be financially prepared enough, but... when we're having actual panic attacks it's probably time to postpone.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
You're not alone
Understanding Your Moods When You're Expecting: Emotions, Mental Health, and Happiness -- Before, During, and After Pregnancy by Dr. Lucy Puryear.
Fabulous book and the author is a very kind and caring person as well as being extremely knowledgeable and experienced. This is one of those books that I think everyone should read. I keep hearing my friends talk about how they didn't know and that they thought they were the only ones. And I love how she talks about being a Good-Enough Mother.
There are also useful references if you do need help.
Fabulous book and the author is a very kind and caring person as well as being extremely knowledgeable and experienced. This is one of those books that I think everyone should read. I keep hearing my friends talk about how they didn't know and that they thought they were the only ones. And I love how she talks about being a Good-Enough Mother.
There are also useful references if you do need help.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
I HAVE researched. Extensively.
I took a very well-meaning comment and took it a little too much to heart. I'm still going to say some things here. I realize that almost nobody here knows me or my history, and sometimes I leave things out...
I have talked with my OB/Gyn about pregnancy and lithium (and/or other medications for bipolar disorder). She has extensive experience with women with mood disorders being pregnant and giving birth. She agreed that with my history (very short relapse time and every relapse is worse than the previous one), going off all meds, even just for the 1st trimester is not an option.
I have talked with a nationally-recognized psychiatrist working with women with mood disorders before, during, and after pregnancy. She agreed that going off all meds is not an option. She said that lithium is probably the best choice, although Lamictal is an option. I will visit her again during pregnancy (should this happen) and especially towards the end as we work to avoid postpartum psychosis.
I have talked with my psychiatrist. She has experience with women with depression before, during, and after pregnancy. She referred me to the specialist, but the specialist agreed that she is more than qualified to be my primary mental health caregiver during pregnancy.
This comment especially pushed my buttons and possibly not why you would expect. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 23 years old. After trying numerous medications, I found a certain amount of relief of symptoms when I was taking lithium. It had some side effects that were bearable. I didn't care for all of the blood tests that I had to have on a regular basis, but I appreciated that they were being done. Numerous body functions were tested.
I was 23 years old and I wasn't ready to get married. I was sexually active, but I was conflicted about it because of my upbringing. Of course, this didn't stop me from having sex! I had a cervical cap, but then traded it in for The Pill because it helped with cramps, but mostly because I was terrified of getting pregnant. I was not just terrified because I was unmarried, but because my doctor had told me that lithium would cause such extensive birth defects that I would have no choice but to terminate the pregnancy. He said that the only way for me to have a child--ever--would be through adoption. That's a hard pill to swallow when you're 23.
Not long after that, I fired my doctor, quit taking the meds and tried to hang on to my sanity. I managed to make it through the manic periods without completely destroying my life. Except that my debt was high, my credit was shot, my relationships were ruined or strained, my career was nonexistent, all of the usual things. Apparently, none of these were evident enough for anyone to suspect that I was ever manic. And like I said, I was in denial. Depression, on the other hand was something that I knew I struggled with and got finally help for about 7 years ago.
11 years after my original diagnosis, my primary care physician referred me to a psychiatrist. We had tried all of the typical antidepressants and nothing had really helped. I still had "anxiety." So, the psychiatrist worked with me and asked questions and watched me and after a particularly bad manic episode, even I knew that I wasn't just anxious. The psychiatrist amended her diagnosis of depression and anxiety to bipolar disorder. She had known about the original diagnosis, but I'd also told her that the original doc was a jerk and a quack. I stand by those statements, although sometimes, a blind squirrel will find a nut.
In fairness, I had been in denial and the condition is such that if you're not actively manic when you go in and you don't report it to your doctor, they won't get it. Well, my doctors at least, because they're not psychic.
So, pregnancy. I fell in love with an amazing man. I somehow tricked him into marrying me. After 7 years together we realized that parenthood was something we wanted to pursue. The research now is different. I blogged about what I found.
And now the rubber hits the road. Or, the rubbers hit the road. Wish us luck!
I have talked with my OB/Gyn about pregnancy and lithium (and/or other medications for bipolar disorder). She has extensive experience with women with mood disorders being pregnant and giving birth. She agreed that with my history (very short relapse time and every relapse is worse than the previous one), going off all meds, even just for the 1st trimester is not an option.
I have talked with a nationally-recognized psychiatrist working with women with mood disorders before, during, and after pregnancy. She agreed that going off all meds is not an option. She said that lithium is probably the best choice, although Lamictal is an option. I will visit her again during pregnancy (should this happen) and especially towards the end as we work to avoid postpartum psychosis.
I have talked with my psychiatrist. She has experience with women with depression before, during, and after pregnancy. She referred me to the specialist, but the specialist agreed that she is more than qualified to be my primary mental health caregiver during pregnancy.
Pregnancy and lithium don't mix.
This comment especially pushed my buttons and possibly not why you would expect. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 23 years old. After trying numerous medications, I found a certain amount of relief of symptoms when I was taking lithium. It had some side effects that were bearable. I didn't care for all of the blood tests that I had to have on a regular basis, but I appreciated that they were being done. Numerous body functions were tested.
I was 23 years old and I wasn't ready to get married. I was sexually active, but I was conflicted about it because of my upbringing. Of course, this didn't stop me from having sex! I had a cervical cap, but then traded it in for The Pill because it helped with cramps, but mostly because I was terrified of getting pregnant. I was not just terrified because I was unmarried, but because my doctor had told me that lithium would cause such extensive birth defects that I would have no choice but to terminate the pregnancy. He said that the only way for me to have a child--ever--would be through adoption. That's a hard pill to swallow when you're 23.
Not long after that, I fired my doctor, quit taking the meds and tried to hang on to my sanity. I managed to make it through the manic periods without completely destroying my life. Except that my debt was high, my credit was shot, my relationships were ruined or strained, my career was nonexistent, all of the usual things. Apparently, none of these were evident enough for anyone to suspect that I was ever manic. And like I said, I was in denial. Depression, on the other hand was something that I knew I struggled with and got finally help for about 7 years ago.
11 years after my original diagnosis, my primary care physician referred me to a psychiatrist. We had tried all of the typical antidepressants and nothing had really helped. I still had "anxiety." So, the psychiatrist worked with me and asked questions and watched me and after a particularly bad manic episode, even I knew that I wasn't just anxious. The psychiatrist amended her diagnosis of depression and anxiety to bipolar disorder. She had known about the original diagnosis, but I'd also told her that the original doc was a jerk and a quack. I stand by those statements, although sometimes, a blind squirrel will find a nut.
In fairness, I had been in denial and the condition is such that if you're not actively manic when you go in and you don't report it to your doctor, they won't get it. Well, my doctors at least, because they're not psychic.
So, pregnancy. I fell in love with an amazing man. I somehow tricked him into marrying me. After 7 years together we realized that parenthood was something we wanted to pursue. The research now is different. I blogged about what I found.
And now the rubber hits the road. Or, the rubbers hit the road. Wish us luck!
Monday, June 30, 2008
Bipolar medications and birth defects
[Update: I ended up taking a combination of lithium and Lamictal while pregnant. My son was born at 36 1/2 weeks because of a heart arrhythmia that was ironically not related to the lithium or Ebstein's Anomaly. He spent 16 days in the hospital, first in the cardiovascular ICU and then the regular NICU. He came home before his original due date. Initially, some of his gross motor skills were delayed, but that was attributed to being tied to his bed for 2 weeks. At nearly 2 he is right on track with most developmental things, ahead on a few. Who knows how and why things turned out the way that they did, but I feel that we played the odds and won. And even if we could, we're not going to have another. We're not going to get greedy. --CTS, Jan/2013]
This is just a place for me to put together some of the information I've found so far.
National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI):
Incidence of birth defects while using drugs vs. no drug*
Lamictal: risk of cleft palate
Lithium: risk of Ebstein's Anomaly (serious heart valve problem--multimedia library) info from NAMI:
For comparison: risk of Down Syndrome
Others:
Throw these numbers into the Num-BO-tronic 2008 and it spits out:
This is just a place for me to put together some of the information I've found so far.
National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI):
- Managing Pregnancy and Bipolar Disorder.
- Taking Mood Stabilizers during the Childbearing Years
- Pregnancy Pointers for Women with Psychiatric History: "If psychiatric medication is prescribed, it is better to use one that has been marketed for 20 years or more."
Incidence of birth defects while using drugs vs. no drug*
* Remembering that no drugs ≠ good idea
Lamictal: risk of cleft palate
- without medication: 0.50-2.16 per 1000
- with Lamictal: 8.9 per 1000
- FDA: "The clinical significance of the currently unconfirmed association between lamotrigine and oral clefts remains uncertain pending further data collection in pregnancy registries or through other research."
- Lamictal info from NAMI
Lithium: risk of Ebstein's Anomaly (serious heart valve problem--multimedia library) info from NAMI:
- without lithium: 0.05 per 1,000 (1 in 20,000)
- with lithium: 0.5-1.0 per 1,000 (10-20 in 20,000)
- Obviously, that a huge increase over the general population, but much less than the risk of cleft palate with Lamictal (8.9 per 1,000)
For comparison: risk of Down Syndrome
- at age 35: 1 in 350 (2.9 per 1,000)
Others:
- FDA: "The NAAED Pregnancy Registry has previously established an association between major malformations and the antiepileptic drugs phenobarbital and valproate."
Throw these numbers into the Num-BO-tronic 2008 and it spits out:
- Cleft palate (Lamictal): 8.9 per 1000
- Ebstein's Anomaly (Lithium): 0.5-1.0 per 1,000
- Down Sydrome (age 35-40): 2.9-10 per 1,000
- Lamictal's risk of cleft palate is higher than lithium's risk of Ebstein's Anomaly and Down Syndrome (until age 40)
- Lithium is my first choice. You know, after the world where I'm surrounded by flowers and puppies and I don't have a mood disorder.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Where's your feather boa, Drama Queen?
I had a friend many, many, many years ago. Apparently, I meant a lot more to him than he did to me. He was kind of rude and snappy and criticized me constantly. And he lied. All the time. It was high school and that felt a lot more normal than it does now. Well, obviously, now I wouldn't let anyone treat me like that for 2 minutes.
Over the years, this friend wandered in and out of my life. After age 16 we never lived in the same town. He did date a friend of mine for about 10 or 12 minutes. But it didn't work out. So, she and I moved on.
He flitted in and out of my life and I'll admit that I was a little less than kind. In fact, that's part of why I stopped talking to him. He treated me like I was his kid sister. He would actually say things like, "You're growing up!" When I was 28. Need I tell you how I felt about that? Things in my life got busy and I didn't have the money for long-distance phone calls (remember those?) and I quit checking my free email account. He may have emailed me, but I didn't respond because I didn't check it. He probably took that personally.
Many, many drama-free years later and I have a blog. A public blog that anyone can read. I'm careful that I don't put my full name or name my employer and all that, but it's obvious that it's me. No biggie. So, all my friends comment and I used to let anyone comment. First I added the captcha/word recognition because I got tired of people trying to sell me cat furniture (my favorite). Then, I posted about a movie and I got a bizarre response about ex-girlfriends getting VD. WTF?!?!??! It turns out that it was a line from a movie that I'd mentioned and it was the first quote on IMDB. So, someone went on there and copied that down and commented anonymously. How lame is that. So I took off the option to comment anonymously. And also, because I can't let things go and because it seriously creeped me out, I checked site meter. Bonehead is the ONLY person I know in that town.
Every so often, I check sitemeter and I noticed that Buttscratch, USA checks my blog EVERY SINGLE DAY. First, get a feed reader or something! And then, I know it's his way of driving past my house. He's too far away to do it physically. And checking to see if my friend is there with me and if I mention her and if we mention him... it's all too creepy to express. It sounds really conceited and paranoid, but he's done things like that in the past.
So, drama ensues. He comments on all of our friends' blogs and someone finally gets fed up. And tells him to go away. So he disables comments and writes the meanest, most hateful post ever. Meant to hurt others. Hurt them by twisting words of their friends. That kind of hateful.
So... what do I do?
So... take a deep breath... and be a GROWN UP!
Over the years, this friend wandered in and out of my life. After age 16 we never lived in the same town. He did date a friend of mine for about 10 or 12 minutes. But it didn't work out. So, she and I moved on.
He flitted in and out of my life and I'll admit that I was a little less than kind. In fact, that's part of why I stopped talking to him. He treated me like I was his kid sister. He would actually say things like, "You're growing up!" When I was 28. Need I tell you how I felt about that? Things in my life got busy and I didn't have the money for long-distance phone calls (remember those?) and I quit checking my free email account. He may have emailed me, but I didn't respond because I didn't check it. He probably took that personally.
Many, many drama-free years later and I have a blog. A public blog that anyone can read. I'm careful that I don't put my full name or name my employer and all that, but it's obvious that it's me. No biggie. So, all my friends comment and I used to let anyone comment. First I added the captcha/word recognition because I got tired of people trying to sell me cat furniture (my favorite). Then, I posted about a movie and I got a bizarre response about ex-girlfriends getting VD. WTF?!?!??! It turns out that it was a line from a movie that I'd mentioned and it was the first quote on IMDB. So, someone went on there and copied that down and commented anonymously. How lame is that. So I took off the option to comment anonymously. And also, because I can't let things go and because it seriously creeped me out, I checked site meter. Bonehead is the ONLY person I know in that town.
Every so often, I check sitemeter and I noticed that Buttscratch, USA checks my blog EVERY SINGLE DAY. First, get a feed reader or something! And then, I know it's his way of driving past my house. He's too far away to do it physically. And checking to see if my friend is there with me and if I mention her and if we mention him... it's all too creepy to express. It sounds really conceited and paranoid, but he's done things like that in the past.
So, drama ensues. He comments on all of our friends' blogs and someone finally gets fed up. And tells him to go away. So he disables comments and writes the meanest, most hateful post ever. Meant to hurt others. Hurt them by twisting words of their friends. That kind of hateful.
So... what do I do?
- Obviously, I need to be an adult and not check his blog. Really. Never.
- Quit checking my sitemeter unless some (different) freak comments or something
- Don't respond if he comments on my blog. Don't. Comment.
- Quit trying to "understand." There is something wrong with him. Pray for him, wish him well, but don't try to befriend him again. Or tie things up neatly (you know, that word).
- Does that make me feel better or worse? Not sure
- Am I allowed to be as angry about the mean things he says? Yep
- Does this make it easier to accept that there really is something wrong and I need to just move on? Probably
- Does this help validate the feelings that I had that there really was something wrong and potentially dangerous about him? Do I need to answer that one?
So... take a deep breath... and be a GROWN UP!
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