A trip to the endocrinologist today

Thinks my testosterone is too high. Thinks that I do have PCOS (thought maybe not before). Wants me to take Metformin. Should help me get pregnant. Also have thyroid issues that are being treated.

I'm really nervous about this. I'm not really sure why. Maybe because they weren't sure about PCOS before, although it was always a possibility. Didn't want to be hasty. If it doesn't work or it's clear that it's not helping I can stop taking it. And it might help.

Argh. And at the same time, crossing my fingers.

No. I don't have any news.

We've been trying to get me pregnant since last spring. Spring a year ago. We did take a few months off last fall when hubby got depressed, but otherwise, we've been doing all the things that you're supposed to. And I'm still not pregnant.

There are approximately 1 million reasons I might not be. I've been to the doctors and all that, so I'm doing what I can do. All I really want to share is that I'm waiting and waiting and waiting, either to pee on a stick or for my period to come. Again.

I hate this. I hate waiting. I wish I could know rather than getting my hopes up for two weeks and then have them crushed. Oh well. It could be worse. I'm just whining.

I outed myself

I am stupid. I commented on a friend's blog--my sister-in-law's friend. I didn't sign out as Constance and so it links to this blog... DUMBASS. I don't mind her here and if she links through, Hi! Welcome to Crazy Town. Yes, this is Middle Sister. Needed a place to vent about craziness, including my mom.


Has anyone else done this? I usually make my Constance comments all at once and then sign out before commenting on "real" blogs. But I am forgetful. And dumb.

Depression

I'm not doing all that well right now. I feel useless and lack energy most days even though I'm eating well and exercising. I'm managing to hang on and not cry too often. It's been a day or two. And see below for the irritability that I've been dealing with.

Hubby, on the other hand, is a huge mess. In almost 8 years I've never seen him this bad. He's changing meds and is trying to make an appointment with a talk therapist. In the meantime, he is having a terrible time. He can barely function and he's miserable because he hates being this way. He's having panic attacks and is crying. I feel completely helpless. It sucks.

We have been talking a lot lately. Constantly. That's probably the best thing in all of this.

We're thinking that (if it doesn't happen this month) we'll put off trying to get pregnant, at least until this summer. We need some time to be mentally stable again. And we want to try to save some more money. I know that you can never have enough, be "ready" enough, be financially prepared enough, but... when we're having actual panic attacks it's probably time to postpone.

Baby-Making

So, the fun continues. We both have a hard time performing on command, honestly. We're enjoying it when we do it, though. This is the third month. According to my calculations I can test on Thursday. I'm hopeful, even though the last week was very physically stressful. But I won't be crushed if it doesn't happen. I know this isn't always easy.

I'm also terrified that we're doing the wrong thing. As in, trying for a baby. A whole new wave of doubts has swallowed me up. I keep thinking we'd be terrible and miserable and start to hate each other. And mostly--ruin our child's life.

And don't get me started on certain people informing me that I am a cavalier and careless person if I don't have an abortion if my as-yet-unconceived child happens to have a birth defect. See below about the "story" about the kid who's having (allegedly) surgery without anesthesia. Jeez. I thought my mom was bad about saying unsupportive things. But also, that I wouldn't have thought through what it might be like to have a sick child. To be a sick child. I'm almost as insulted by being called thoughtless as I am as being told what I need to do. By someone who just doesn't understand my situation, or perhaps anyone's situation other than her own.

And who tells someone they need to have an abortion?!?

You're not alone

Understanding Your Moods When You're Expecting: Emotions, Mental Health, and Happiness -- Before, During, and After Pregnancy by Dr. Lucy Puryear.

Fabulous book and the author is a very kind and caring person as well as being extremely knowledgeable and experienced. This is one of those books that I think everyone should read. I keep hearing my friends talk about how they didn't know and that they thought they were the only ones. And I love how she talks about being a Good-Enough Mother.

There are also useful references if you do need help.

I HAVE researched. Extensively.

I took a very well-meaning comment and took it a little too much to heart. I'm still going to say some things here. I realize that almost nobody here knows me or my history, and sometimes I leave things out...

I have talked with my OB/Gyn about pregnancy and lithium (and/or other medications for bipolar disorder). She has extensive experience with women with mood disorders being pregnant and giving birth. She agreed that with my history (very short relapse time and every relapse is worse than the previous one), going off all meds, even just for the 1st trimester is not an option.

I have talked with a nationally-recognized psychiatrist working with women with mood disorders before, during, and after pregnancy. She agreed that going off all meds is not an option. She said that lithium is probably the best choice, although Lamictal is an option. I will visit her again during pregnancy (should this happen) and especially towards the end as we work to avoid postpartum psychosis.

I have talked with my psychiatrist. She has experience with women with depression before, during, and after pregnancy. She referred me to the specialist, but the specialist agreed that she is more than qualified to be my primary mental health caregiver during pregnancy.

Pregnancy and lithium don't mix.

This comment especially pushed my buttons and possibly not why you would expect. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 23 years old. After trying numerous medications, I found a certain amount of relief of symptoms when I was taking lithium. It had some side effects that were bearable. I didn't care for all of the blood tests that I had to have on a regular basis, but I appreciated that they were being done. Numerous body functions were tested.

I was 23 years old and I wasn't ready to get married. I was sexually active, but I was conflicted about it because of my upbringing. Of course, this didn't stop me from having sex! I had a cervical cap, but then traded it in for The Pill because it helped with cramps, but mostly because I was terrified of getting pregnant. I was not just terrified because I was unmarried, but because my doctor had told me that lithium would cause such extensive birth defects that I would have no choice but to terminate the pregnancy. He said that the only way for me to have a child--ever--would be through adoption. That's a hard pill to swallow when you're 23.

Not long after that, I fired my doctor, quit taking the meds and tried to hang on to my sanity. I managed to make it through the manic periods without completely destroying my life. Except that my debt was high, my credit was shot, my relationships were ruined or strained, my career was nonexistent, all of the usual things. Apparently, none of these were evident enough for anyone to suspect that I was ever manic. And like I said, I was in denial. Depression, on the other hand was something that I knew I struggled with and got finally help for about 7 years ago.

11 years after my original diagnosis, my primary care physician referred me to a psychiatrist. We had tried all of the typical antidepressants and nothing had really helped. I still had "anxiety." So, the psychiatrist worked with me and asked questions and watched me and after a particularly bad manic episode, even I knew that I wasn't just anxious. The psychiatrist amended her diagnosis of depression and anxiety to bipolar disorder. She had known about the original diagnosis, but I'd also told her that the original doc was a jerk and a quack. I stand by those statements, although sometimes, a blind squirrel will find a nut.

In fairness, I had been in denial and the condition is such that if you're not actively manic when you go in and you don't report it to your doctor, they won't get it. Well, my doctors at least, because they're not psychic.

So, pregnancy. I fell in love with an amazing man. I somehow tricked him into marrying me. After 7 years together we realized that parenthood was something we wanted to pursue. The research now is different. I blogged about what I found.

And now the rubber hits the road. Or, the rubbers hit the road. Wish us luck!