I am just in a giant funk. I have tons of reasons to be happy and thankful, but I just feel rotten and dissatisfied.
1. I'm not pregnant yet. I had the HSG test where they put the catheter of dye in you and all that and then ultrasounds of all my lady business. Everything checked out. So, my "baby factory" is structurally sound. Yay. Husband's "raw material" is sound. Yay. Still not pregnant. Boo. My wacko endocrinologist also put me on Metformin to help with PCOS because my testosterone was kinda high, but the number I saw over her shoulder didn't seem high and the ultrasound didn't show any problems... Also, that shit makes me sick to my stomach all the time and I've gained weight since starting it, which is the opposite of what happens to most people. Ugh. I need a new endocrinologist and to make another appt. with the gyno. In the meantime, I am weaning off the Metformin. If my doc wants me on it again, I can go on it again. I'm just so damn tired of being sick and I'm not convinced that it's worth it. Oh, and I have ZERO sex drive, which makes getting pregnant a little difficult.
2. I'm depressed. All I want to do is sleep. I've quit falling asleep in front of my classes, but only barely. Whenever I'm home I nap, lie on the couch, and play on the computer. I barely have the energy to cook, clean, or do anything around the house. I do some long-distance running, but I only do it once or twice a week because I can't find the energy to work out during the week. I have no excuse. I have no one else to take care of.
3. I keep gaining weight. I know that working out more and eating less would help, but honestly, I'm not really eating that much. I'm drinking lots of calories, though...
4. I drink too much. Not alcoholic too much, just too often. Too many calories. Too much dehydration for running. Also not helpful with trying to get pregnant. Without exercise it is the one way that I can get some relief from the stress and craziness.
5. I don't have much energy for my job. Some days I just don't care. I think that it's about the lack of energy. All I want to do is sleep or read or leave school somehow. I hate it. I'm not lazy. I really like what I do. I just don't have any energy.
So. Whine, whine, whine.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
A trip to the endocrinologist today
Thinks my testosterone is too high. Thinks that I do have PCOS (thought maybe not before). Wants me to take Metformin. Should help me get pregnant. Also have thyroid issues that are being treated.
I'm really nervous about this. I'm not really sure why. Maybe because they weren't sure about PCOS before, although it was always a possibility. Didn't want to be hasty. If it doesn't work or it's clear that it's not helping I can stop taking it. And it might help.
Argh. And at the same time, crossing my fingers.
I'm really nervous about this. I'm not really sure why. Maybe because they weren't sure about PCOS before, although it was always a possibility. Didn't want to be hasty. If it doesn't work or it's clear that it's not helping I can stop taking it. And it might help.
Argh. And at the same time, crossing my fingers.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
No. I don't have any news.
We've been trying to get me pregnant since last spring. Spring a year ago. We did take a few months off last fall when hubby got depressed, but otherwise, we've been doing all the things that you're supposed to. And I'm still not pregnant.
There are approximately 1 million reasons I might not be. I've been to the doctors and all that, so I'm doing what I can do. All I really want to share is that I'm waiting and waiting and waiting, either to pee on a stick or for my period to come. Again.
I hate this. I hate waiting. I wish I could know rather than getting my hopes up for two weeks and then have them crushed. Oh well. It could be worse. I'm just whining.
There are approximately 1 million reasons I might not be. I've been to the doctors and all that, so I'm doing what I can do. All I really want to share is that I'm waiting and waiting and waiting, either to pee on a stick or for my period to come. Again.
I hate this. I hate waiting. I wish I could know rather than getting my hopes up for two weeks and then have them crushed. Oh well. It could be worse. I'm just whining.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Depression
I'm not doing all that well right now. I feel useless and lack energy most days even though I'm eating well and exercising. I'm managing to hang on and not cry too often. It's been a day or two. And see below for the irritability that I've been dealing with.
Hubby, on the other hand, is a huge mess. In almost 8 years I've never seen him this bad. He's changing meds and is trying to make an appointment with a talk therapist. In the meantime, he is having a terrible time. He can barely function and he's miserable because he hates being this way. He's having panic attacks and is crying. I feel completely helpless. It sucks.
We have been talking a lot lately. Constantly. That's probably the best thing in all of this.
We're thinking that (if it doesn't happen this month) we'll put off trying to get pregnant, at least until this summer. We need some time to be mentally stable again. And we want to try to save some more money. I know that you can never have enough, be "ready" enough, be financially prepared enough, but... when we're having actual panic attacks it's probably time to postpone.
Hubby, on the other hand, is a huge mess. In almost 8 years I've never seen him this bad. He's changing meds and is trying to make an appointment with a talk therapist. In the meantime, he is having a terrible time. He can barely function and he's miserable because he hates being this way. He's having panic attacks and is crying. I feel completely helpless. It sucks.
We have been talking a lot lately. Constantly. That's probably the best thing in all of this.
We're thinking that (if it doesn't happen this month) we'll put off trying to get pregnant, at least until this summer. We need some time to be mentally stable again. And we want to try to save some more money. I know that you can never have enough, be "ready" enough, be financially prepared enough, but... when we're having actual panic attacks it's probably time to postpone.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
You're not alone
Understanding Your Moods When You're Expecting: Emotions, Mental Health, and Happiness -- Before, During, and After Pregnancy by Dr. Lucy Puryear.
Fabulous book and the author is a very kind and caring person as well as being extremely knowledgeable and experienced. This is one of those books that I think everyone should read. I keep hearing my friends talk about how they didn't know and that they thought they were the only ones. And I love how she talks about being a Good-Enough Mother.
There are also useful references if you do need help.
Fabulous book and the author is a very kind and caring person as well as being extremely knowledgeable and experienced. This is one of those books that I think everyone should read. I keep hearing my friends talk about how they didn't know and that they thought they were the only ones. And I love how she talks about being a Good-Enough Mother.
There are also useful references if you do need help.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
I HAVE researched. Extensively.
I took a very well-meaning comment and took it a little too much to heart. I'm still going to say some things here. I realize that almost nobody here knows me or my history, and sometimes I leave things out...
I have talked with my OB/Gyn about pregnancy and lithium (and/or other medications for bipolar disorder). She has extensive experience with women with mood disorders being pregnant and giving birth. She agreed that with my history (very short relapse time and every relapse is worse than the previous one), going off all meds, even just for the 1st trimester is not an option.
I have talked with a nationally-recognized psychiatrist working with women with mood disorders before, during, and after pregnancy. She agreed that going off all meds is not an option. She said that lithium is probably the best choice, although Lamictal is an option. I will visit her again during pregnancy (should this happen) and especially towards the end as we work to avoid postpartum psychosis.
I have talked with my psychiatrist. She has experience with women with depression before, during, and after pregnancy. She referred me to the specialist, but the specialist agreed that she is more than qualified to be my primary mental health caregiver during pregnancy.
This comment especially pushed my buttons and possibly not why you would expect. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 23 years old. After trying numerous medications, I found a certain amount of relief of symptoms when I was taking lithium. It had some side effects that were bearable. I didn't care for all of the blood tests that I had to have on a regular basis, but I appreciated that they were being done. Numerous body functions were tested.
I was 23 years old and I wasn't ready to get married. I was sexually active, but I was conflicted about it because of my upbringing. Of course, this didn't stop me from having sex! I had a cervical cap, but then traded it in for The Pill because it helped with cramps, but mostly because I was terrified of getting pregnant. I was not just terrified because I was unmarried, but because my doctor had told me that lithium would cause such extensive birth defects that I would have no choice but to terminate the pregnancy. He said that the only way for me to have a child--ever--would be through adoption. That's a hard pill to swallow when you're 23.
Not long after that, I fired my doctor, quit taking the meds and tried to hang on to my sanity. I managed to make it through the manic periods without completely destroying my life. Except that my debt was high, my credit was shot, my relationships were ruined or strained, my career was nonexistent, all of the usual things. Apparently, none of these were evident enough for anyone to suspect that I was ever manic. And like I said, I was in denial. Depression, on the other hand was something that I knew I struggled with and got finally help for about 7 years ago.
11 years after my original diagnosis, my primary care physician referred me to a psychiatrist. We had tried all of the typical antidepressants and nothing had really helped. I still had "anxiety." So, the psychiatrist worked with me and asked questions and watched me and after a particularly bad manic episode, even I knew that I wasn't just anxious. The psychiatrist amended her diagnosis of depression and anxiety to bipolar disorder. She had known about the original diagnosis, but I'd also told her that the original doc was a jerk and a quack. I stand by those statements, although sometimes, a blind squirrel will find a nut.
In fairness, I had been in denial and the condition is such that if you're not actively manic when you go in and you don't report it to your doctor, they won't get it. Well, my doctors at least, because they're not psychic.
So, pregnancy. I fell in love with an amazing man. I somehow tricked him into marrying me. After 7 years together we realized that parenthood was something we wanted to pursue. The research now is different. I blogged about what I found.
And now the rubber hits the road. Or, the rubbers hit the road. Wish us luck!
I have talked with my OB/Gyn about pregnancy and lithium (and/or other medications for bipolar disorder). She has extensive experience with women with mood disorders being pregnant and giving birth. She agreed that with my history (very short relapse time and every relapse is worse than the previous one), going off all meds, even just for the 1st trimester is not an option.
I have talked with a nationally-recognized psychiatrist working with women with mood disorders before, during, and after pregnancy. She agreed that going off all meds is not an option. She said that lithium is probably the best choice, although Lamictal is an option. I will visit her again during pregnancy (should this happen) and especially towards the end as we work to avoid postpartum psychosis.
I have talked with my psychiatrist. She has experience with women with depression before, during, and after pregnancy. She referred me to the specialist, but the specialist agreed that she is more than qualified to be my primary mental health caregiver during pregnancy.
Pregnancy and lithium don't mix.
This comment especially pushed my buttons and possibly not why you would expect. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 23 years old. After trying numerous medications, I found a certain amount of relief of symptoms when I was taking lithium. It had some side effects that were bearable. I didn't care for all of the blood tests that I had to have on a regular basis, but I appreciated that they were being done. Numerous body functions were tested.
I was 23 years old and I wasn't ready to get married. I was sexually active, but I was conflicted about it because of my upbringing. Of course, this didn't stop me from having sex! I had a cervical cap, but then traded it in for The Pill because it helped with cramps, but mostly because I was terrified of getting pregnant. I was not just terrified because I was unmarried, but because my doctor had told me that lithium would cause such extensive birth defects that I would have no choice but to terminate the pregnancy. He said that the only way for me to have a child--ever--would be through adoption. That's a hard pill to swallow when you're 23.
Not long after that, I fired my doctor, quit taking the meds and tried to hang on to my sanity. I managed to make it through the manic periods without completely destroying my life. Except that my debt was high, my credit was shot, my relationships were ruined or strained, my career was nonexistent, all of the usual things. Apparently, none of these were evident enough for anyone to suspect that I was ever manic. And like I said, I was in denial. Depression, on the other hand was something that I knew I struggled with and got finally help for about 7 years ago.
11 years after my original diagnosis, my primary care physician referred me to a psychiatrist. We had tried all of the typical antidepressants and nothing had really helped. I still had "anxiety." So, the psychiatrist worked with me and asked questions and watched me and after a particularly bad manic episode, even I knew that I wasn't just anxious. The psychiatrist amended her diagnosis of depression and anxiety to bipolar disorder. She had known about the original diagnosis, but I'd also told her that the original doc was a jerk and a quack. I stand by those statements, although sometimes, a blind squirrel will find a nut.
In fairness, I had been in denial and the condition is such that if you're not actively manic when you go in and you don't report it to your doctor, they won't get it. Well, my doctors at least, because they're not psychic.
So, pregnancy. I fell in love with an amazing man. I somehow tricked him into marrying me. After 7 years together we realized that parenthood was something we wanted to pursue. The research now is different. I blogged about what I found.
And now the rubber hits the road. Or, the rubbers hit the road. Wish us luck!
Monday, June 30, 2008
Bipolar medications and birth defects
[Update: I ended up taking a combination of lithium and Lamictal while pregnant. My son was born at 36 1/2 weeks because of a heart arrhythmia that was ironically not related to the lithium or Ebstein's Anomaly. He spent 16 days in the hospital, first in the cardiovascular ICU and then the regular NICU. He came home before his original due date. Initially, some of his gross motor skills were delayed, but that was attributed to being tied to his bed for 2 weeks. At nearly 2 he is right on track with most developmental things, ahead on a few. Who knows how and why things turned out the way that they did, but I feel that we played the odds and won. And even if we could, we're not going to have another. We're not going to get greedy. --CTS, Jan/2013]
This is just a place for me to put together some of the information I've found so far.
National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI):
Incidence of birth defects while using drugs vs. no drug*
Lamictal: risk of cleft palate
Lithium: risk of Ebstein's Anomaly (serious heart valve problem--multimedia library) info from NAMI:
For comparison: risk of Down Syndrome
Others:
Throw these numbers into the Num-BO-tronic 2008 and it spits out:
This is just a place for me to put together some of the information I've found so far.
National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI):
- Managing Pregnancy and Bipolar Disorder.
- Taking Mood Stabilizers during the Childbearing Years
- Pregnancy Pointers for Women with Psychiatric History: "If psychiatric medication is prescribed, it is better to use one that has been marketed for 20 years or more."
Incidence of birth defects while using drugs vs. no drug*
* Remembering that no drugs ≠ good idea
Lamictal: risk of cleft palate
- without medication: 0.50-2.16 per 1000
- with Lamictal: 8.9 per 1000
- FDA: "The clinical significance of the currently unconfirmed association between lamotrigine and oral clefts remains uncertain pending further data collection in pregnancy registries or through other research."
- Lamictal info from NAMI
Lithium: risk of Ebstein's Anomaly (serious heart valve problem--multimedia library) info from NAMI:
- without lithium: 0.05 per 1,000 (1 in 20,000)
- with lithium: 0.5-1.0 per 1,000 (10-20 in 20,000)
- Obviously, that a huge increase over the general population, but much less than the risk of cleft palate with Lamictal (8.9 per 1,000)
For comparison: risk of Down Syndrome
- at age 35: 1 in 350 (2.9 per 1,000)
Others:
- FDA: "The NAAED Pregnancy Registry has previously established an association between major malformations and the antiepileptic drugs phenobarbital and valproate."
Throw these numbers into the Num-BO-tronic 2008 and it spits out:
- Cleft palate (Lamictal): 8.9 per 1000
- Ebstein's Anomaly (Lithium): 0.5-1.0 per 1,000
- Down Sydrome (age 35-40): 2.9-10 per 1,000
- Lamictal's risk of cleft palate is higher than lithium's risk of Ebstein's Anomaly and Down Syndrome (until age 40)
- Lithium is my first choice. You know, after the world where I'm surrounded by flowers and puppies and I don't have a mood disorder.
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