Funk

I am just in a giant funk. I have tons of reasons to be happy and thankful, but I just feel rotten and dissatisfied.

1. I'm not pregnant yet. I had the HSG test where they put the catheter of dye in you and all that and then ultrasounds of all my lady business. Everything checked out. So, my "baby factory" is structurally sound. Yay. Husband's "raw material" is sound. Yay. Still not pregnant. Boo. My wacko endocrinologist also put me on Metformin to help with PCOS because my testosterone was kinda high, but the number I saw over her shoulder didn't seem high and the ultrasound didn't show any problems... Also, that shit makes me sick to my stomach all the time and I've gained weight since starting it, which is the opposite of what happens to most people. Ugh. I need a new endocrinologist and to make another appt. with the gyno. In the meantime, I am weaning off the Metformin. If my doc wants me on it again, I can go on it again. I'm just so damn tired of being sick and I'm not convinced that it's worth it. Oh, and I have ZERO sex drive, which makes getting pregnant a little difficult.

2. I'm depressed. All I want to do is sleep. I've quit falling asleep in front of my classes, but only barely. Whenever I'm home I nap, lie on the couch, and play on the computer. I barely have the energy to cook, clean, or do anything around the house. I do some long-distance running, but I only do it once or twice a week because I can't find the energy to work out during the week. I have no excuse. I have no one else to take care of.

3. I keep gaining weight. I know that working out more and eating less would help, but honestly, I'm not really eating that much. I'm drinking lots of calories, though...

4. I drink too much. Not alcoholic too much, just too often. Too many calories. Too much dehydration for running. Also not helpful with trying to get pregnant. Without exercise it is the one way that I can get some relief from the stress and craziness.

5. I don't have much energy for my job. Some days I just don't care. I think that it's about the lack of energy. All I want to do is sleep or read or leave school somehow. I hate it. I'm not lazy. I really like what I do. I just don't have any energy.

So. Whine, whine, whine.

A trip to the endocrinologist today

Thinks my testosterone is too high. Thinks that I do have PCOS (thought maybe not before). Wants me to take Metformin. Should help me get pregnant. Also have thyroid issues that are being treated.

I'm really nervous about this. I'm not really sure why. Maybe because they weren't sure about PCOS before, although it was always a possibility. Didn't want to be hasty. If it doesn't work or it's clear that it's not helping I can stop taking it. And it might help.

Argh. And at the same time, crossing my fingers.

No. I don't have any news.

We've been trying to get me pregnant since last spring. Spring a year ago. We did take a few months off last fall when hubby got depressed, but otherwise, we've been doing all the things that you're supposed to. And I'm still not pregnant.

There are approximately 1 million reasons I might not be. I've been to the doctors and all that, so I'm doing what I can do. All I really want to share is that I'm waiting and waiting and waiting, either to pee on a stick or for my period to come. Again.

I hate this. I hate waiting. I wish I could know rather than getting my hopes up for two weeks and then have them crushed. Oh well. It could be worse. I'm just whining.